My hubby saved my life, how can I help him save his from obesity and sleep apnea?
Sometimes I kid around and say I’m all kinds of broken, but that was how I felt when he became my friend. I was in a verbally abusive relationship, although he never hit me, it probably would have hurt less if he had. Overweight, bi-polar disorder, PCoS, and more problems on top of that. I was ready for suicide, just to get life over with since I was that unhappy.
My new friend helped me understand that although I had some problems, they weren’t worth giving up on everything, including letting my family down. He became my best friend for the next three years, then he moved from Canada to the US to be with me. We ended getting married 3 weeks later.
When I meet him he was an online friend. I didn’t know everything about him as far as physical attributes, but I really didn’t care. Before he flew down he told me he was a heavy set guy, and I was ok with that. He reminds me of a huge teddy bear now.
My problem is this. When he moved here he was overweight, I don’t know how many pounds he was, but he was wearing a 2x shirt… Since then we’ve been married for 1 year and 8 months (today actually, how funny.) and he has gained another 2 shirt sizes. My husband now weighs in at about 360 at 5′8″. I had sleep problems so I did a sleep study, I thought “well heck, he has sleep problems too, we’ll both go”. They diagnosed him with Sleep Apnea, he stops breathing about 200 times an hour. I was terrified for his life, if he stops breathing that many times an hour, what is my promise that he will start breathing again? Well now to say the least he has a breathing machine that helps him at night. He hates it, but he wears it for me.
We went and saw our General Practitioner. He said that with Sleep Apnea, if it’s untreated the heart enlarges, and if it goes untreated he could have died within a matter of 3-5 years, if it he was lucky.
My husband’s problems with weight started when he started gaming online. Mom is a superb cook and made something like 6 course meals on a daily basis, as a stay at home mom. I think this is around when he hit 22ish. (He’s 30 now) We still game online… for a couple of months after seeing the doctor we walked 2 miles every day, when it started raining heavily in the area for a few weeks we stopped. Then I tried getting gym memberships for us, we went for 3 weeks… then he would refuse to go.
I’ve done everything. I’ve cried, I’ve voiced my opinion, commented about how his shirts occasionally show his tummy poking out, tried putting him on an expensive diet, showed him that I’m willing to support and work out too, and taken him to the gym or just randomly walking. For the life of me I can not get him to take more interest in his weight. I’m heartbroken that he isn’t taking this matter more seriously. My parents and brother are concerned, what’s the likeliness that he will survive the next ten years at this rate, what will happen to me when he’s gone. He’s literally the light of my life; he’s what keeps me stable.
How do you push someone to understand what they are doing to themselves? I’m overweight by about 30-50lbs, but since we’ve gotten married I’ve a few pounds, and kept it off.
It’s hard doing things together, shopping for clothes, being intimate. He wonders why I pull back, and I’ve tried telling him why, but he doesn’t understand, or doesn’t want to. My last thought is to send him back home to his family, leave him and maybe he’ll understand how much I need him to be healthy. But then I don’t even know if he’ll take action.
I know my husband is lazy, I am too to an extent, but he takes extremely good care of me. He has a hard time finding a job because he’s an immigrant to the US, so now he’s attending college to get additional training in his career. He’s not doing nothing all day. He’s studying, going to school, doing labs, and yes some gaming too. There’s no harm in that I think… It’s how we spend time together and keep within a budget.
Note: I don’t have insurance; I lost my full time job that had benefits. Since then I had to take the first job I could get, which is only part time. Before when we had the insurance he didn’t find the idea of weight loss pills acceptable, he thought they could cause permanent damage. Now that we don’t have insurance he’s thinking that MAYBE he’ll eventually take them. I don’t know if he’s saying it because he knows I can’t afford to get them for him, or if he was serious. My sister in law’s extended family has a doctor in it, he’s from Mexico. He offered to bring medication to my husband to help stimulate his metabolism. My husband said NO without a second thought. He said medications from Mexico weren’t safe. My brother argues that the same medical companies make drugs all across the world, but he just said no, and left it at that.
Sorry. I know this is long, but thank you for taking the time to read it, and possibly help me.
As a response to my first comment. My hubby sometimes says that I approach him at the wrong times, IE: He’s had a bad day. Other times he says he knows he needs to try, but just doesn’t. He’s even mentioned that if he cooks diet foods that I don’t always like them, and that’s disappointing for him. I’ve offered to cook my own meals, so that way he won’t feel as though he’s being unappreciated, but then he comments that he feels useless since his daily tasks are less than mine.
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It hurts to see someone who’s helped you gradually kill themselves with constant suicide, especially whenever they don’t see the issue, or at least have no real desire to rectify it. There’s only so much you can do or say to him. I don’t know if counseling is an option, I know it’s expensive, with or without insurance. You’ve tried talking to him, sneaking in exercise… etc. You’re a good woman for trying. I don’t know if I missed it or not, but what’s his reaction when you tell him flat-out how you feel about his condition? Is he concerned in response, indifferent, thinks you’re overreacting, etc.? You’d think he’d at least humor you and give it a shot.
Addendum: Sorry, took me a while to get back to this question. His responses are… I don’t know. My mind goes to extreme measures as being a solution, but I’ve never been in your position verbatim, so I don’t feel completely adequate in giving you advice. Whatever you so choose, I wish you and he luck in the end-result.
After reading all of this I can’t help wondering if your husband is feeling that You are ashamed of him and that feeling is causing him to have lower and lower self esteem.
I also want to say that maybe he doesn’t love you as much as you think he does and he is just satisfied with what ever relationship the two of you have, because anything beats being alone. I say this because I think if he really loved you , he would want to be healthy simply to spare his love ones the agony of experiencing his untimely death .
It is my opinion that it is selfish to live your life for only yourself as you please without consideration of the feelings of others .
It is true that the life each of us live does in different ways affect the lives of those around us.
It is also true that some of us do have unconditional love .
Convince your husband that there is no shame just love and concern Let your husband know that you are selfish enough to want him around as long as possible
Obesity is a disease and I live have lived it. Doing nothing about your disease, obesity, is a conscious or unconscious decision that is doomed to failure.
First of all, turn off the gaming altogether. It’s addictive and your hubby is using it as a way to sit around and not get any exercise or do other productive things. Plan out your meals together and cook together. Marriage means being a team.
You can’t force your husband to do what you want him to do . . . however, perhaps if you both get on the same page you will both be able to work together on your issues as a real TEAM!!!
Excess insulin release causes fat cells to grow when it is not utilized. Many times overweight individuals, many with sleep apnea as well, need to look into syndrome X and metabolic syndrome to fully understand the disease of obesity.
The key is to eliminate most of the carbs in the diet and limit yourself and your hubby to healthy lean vegetables like green beans, broccoli, cauliflower and other low glycemic load veggies. Stick with protein, nothing breaded, of course. Healthy fats like olive oil, etc. and NO hydrogenated or trans fats. And, if you are drinking sugared drinks switch to water or flavored zero calorie waters.
The key is to keep from being bored OR hungry. If you are bored you need to find something to do either alone or together. If you are hungry, feed that hunger with good quality protein and lean veggies and stop things like breads, rice, potatoes, pasta, etc.
In the future, when you both get better insurance you might want to look into weight loss surgery.
Obesity is a disease, not just a lack of willpower. So, treat it as such and work on your lives TOGETHER like a TEAM!!!
Hope that helps.
Been there, done that
Open Roux en y Gastric Bypass Surgery 10/7/2002
-276 pounds